I hesitate to post something so personal but I'm going to anyhow. I seem to be failing at many things right now and I'm hoping that writing them out lends me some much needed perspective.
I know that us mamas should allow ourselves grace. I explain this often to my dearest friends, to MOPS moms, and to those I barely know on a regular basis. I know how hard being a mama can be, and yet... I see my failures as insurmountable and unforgivable.
Today, after being up most of the night with sick baby Cael, I wimped out. He was fussy. I was cranky. I figure he was hungry but I was totally out of ideas of what to feed him, energy to make anything, and motivation. I gave him formula. I know that's not a big deal, but to me it is... Four kids, five years so far of breastfeeding, and I've never made a bottle of formula for my kids. I feel like there is so much I can't do for my children, the least I can do is nurse them. Today, I was too sore, too tired, too exhausted to do even that. I knew that if he was hungry, he would drink the bottle, be full, and go down for a nap. I was right. I took a much needed nap as well.
I won't elaborate on my other failings as a mommy right now. Other people think my kids are well behaved. I don't want to burst every last bubble. (They are well behaved most of the time. But when they're naughty... They are oh-so-naughty!)
I'm tired. I am not doing well at coordinating this year. I've always been a rather hands-off leader. "Here's your responsibility. Tell me how I can help you. Do it how you want. Just do it well." This year, I'm not being much of a help to my leaders. Four years into my MOPS group and it runs fairly well, but I think my lack of involvement, motivation, and enthusiasm is apparent. Unfortunately, I think it's also contagious.
I have an unmotivated 10 year old. Like mother, like son? He's managing to get his assignments done, but barely... The two of us could teach classes "101 Ways to Procrastinate" or "Procrastinating for Dummies". Sadly, I can see how my bad habits are taking hold in him. I simply must help him to develop new habits.
By the way, his actual schooling and Kjersten's is great. Whew...
Am I not taking care of my family? We're sick again... 8 months of health and now Cael can't seem to shake his cold. Jason, Brennen, and I are all sick. Again. Is my house not clean enough? Do my meals not include enough vitamins? Do we not wash our hands enough?
And to add insult to injury, I'm still gaining weight. I've gained a LOT of weight since Cael's birth in May. 8 months and I weigh nearly 50 lbs. more than when he was born. Yes, you read that right. Yes, I've been to the doctor. No, I don't have thyroid disfunction.
I stink at housekeeping right now. That's an understatement. My house is a mess. Not only that, my closets are a mess as well. I'm a neat-nick in private. Even when the kitchen is drowning in dishes and the living room floor is nowhere to be found, my closets are tidy. Inexplicably, I care more about my silverware drawer than the kitchen table. Right now, neither is presentable.
I might have a grip on the grocery shopping, laundry, and my sock drawer, but for the life of me, I couldn't find Cael's social security card or the instuctions to the baby mobile. It's driving me crazy. My house is a mess and I can't seem to care enough to buckle down and do anything about it.
Being a wife
No... Jason doesn't complain. Ever. I am so very grateful! However, I've been thinking lately, if I were his employee and I were him, I'd fire me. Not only am I not getting much done, what I am getting done is not done well. He loves me immensely, but he deserves more than my good intentions.
The rest of the story...
I know that my family has a strong history of depression. I am keenly aware of that and don't think that's my issue but will talk to Jason and get his perspective.
I think I am overwhelmed at the weight of obligations that I am not particularly vested in anymore. I am working at taking those off my to-do list.
I also know that there are seasons in life. Right now, mine is being mommy to small children who demand a tremendous amount of attention and energy. Homeschooling will not always include little ones underfoot, but I know for sure, someday I will miss that too. This season is to be embraced. My lessons to be learned undoubtably include: patience, persistance, flexibility, and finding joy.
I can do this. Especially with you doing it alongside me. Thank you.
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.